One of the saddest things I have observed is the relationship stories we tell to support, perpetrate and allow the same type of people into our lives to support our own narrative. As I listened to the tale, I heard the stories and their heart to help strangers, pouring their all into strangers surrounding them with no support structure nor friends and yet continues to pour. It has literally broke my heart to the point I have lost sleep and am up now writing this blog article, clearly the post is calling out to be written and the Holy Spirit is pouring through me to write these words. My hope is this reaches the people who need to have a reset/wake-up call.
I used to tell relationship stories too. I was trying to save, rescue, “help” all the while, in reality, I was damaging myself to the point of being empty, detached, indifferent and devoid of real connection. I went into the most severe of survival modes where I was self-isolating and interacting only when necessary (work, children). From the outside it may have looked like depression – it was not, I was in survival mode. It was definitely making me sick and began to show up in my skin and my eyes had a deep sadness. Self-reliance was the only thing I could depend on. I certainly could not depend on people – they were a constant failing in my world (my story). I was the only one that would come through for me (my belief). I could not understand why I could not “find” a healthy relationship. The relationships were showing up based on my story and beliefs.
Look at the photo, there was nothing. I mean sure, I could put on my face and paint a pretty smile, but my eyes were still hollow and empty. My love tank, my heart and soul were below empty. I had nothing left to give to myself much less healthy relationships. I was at the lowest point, fully depleted. I was calling into my world what I was speaking out of my mouth and believing.
Often our childhood (parents and family of origin) dictate and condition how we function in our adult relationships including romantic. I saw this in myself as I was conditioned to be a rescuer. I see this in both men and women. Rescuing Mr. Potential, white knight syndrome, broken bird syndrome, Mr./Miss. “fix it” and even more severe instances of abused women syndrome (I think this really needs to include men).
I used to think, if I work hard enough or pour enough of me and my love into them, they will heal. Then they will be okay, then I will be okay too, right? No, onto the next person (project). This is the furthest from the truth and SERIOUSLY NOT how it works. The other person has to want to change and it is their responsibility for their own healing, growth and becoming a whole person.
Breaking the Cycle
For me, breaking the cycle took therapy to recognize the codependent behaviors. It is easy to be sucked in to the sphere of someone who is also rescuing or the opposite someone who is in need of help/“fixing”. Being cognizant of the people we encounter is a huge key in our own health, our own relationships and our own healing. It’s important to listen, watch and observe when bringing new people into your circle.
Shifting from rescuer/enabler to providing resources and not being THE SOURCE. Although I am a healer and a conduit of the Holy Spirit for healing, in this aspect, I am now a connector and not a conduit of falsely aligning myself with peoples inability to seek their own healing, help and resources and in my case, it was often I was being manipulated. “If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.”
There are several verses that have helped me with breaking the cycle as well as having the understanding that my mind, my thoughts, my words have weight to change the trajectory of my life as well as heal the past.
Proverbs 18:21Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. ~ HCSB
Romans 12: 2Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God. ~ HCSB
Webster-Merriam dictionary defines RENEW as: 1: to make like new : restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection as we renew our strength in sleep 2: to make new spiritually : REGENERATE 3a: to restore to existence : REVIVE b: to make extensive changes in : REBUILD 4: to do again : REPEAT 5: to begin again : RESUME 6: REPLACE, REPLENISH
Therefore, we are not to just do this once, we are to do it over and over in a forward moving state. Are you renewing your mind daily with words that empower and drive you forward like affirmations?
- Are you over-extending?
- Are you over-doing?
- Are you taking on the burdens of others?
- Are you enabling rather than empowering?
- Are you in need of being the unsung hero or rescuer in the story?
- Are you fulfilling a role a professional should be?
- Are you taking on an inappropriate role or amount of interest? This could be a result of trauma bonding.